I got married young. I was just out of college and married to my high school sweetheart. We were young and in love and had our whole lives ahead of us. We always knew we wanted a family, but we had time. We joked that we were on the 10-year plan. We would travel and work and get established before we started having babies. Fast forward 5 years and a mortgage later and we were ready to start a family. I stopped taking birth control and we assumed we’d get pregnant within the year.
It was exciting to think about starting this new chapter of our lives. Each month we would dream about the possibility of having a baby, figuring out when he or she would be born, and counting down the days until we would know if we had made a baby. But as the months turned into a year, and one year into two, and we still weren’t pregnant, the excitement waned and questions and fears crept in. We wanted to be parents and were committed to raising our children in a Godly home, so why wasn’t God answering our prayers?
No one talks about not being able to get pregnant. Lots of people talk about NOT getting pregnant, so it’s just assumed that when you want to have a baby it’s easy.
The phrase “trying to get pregnant” was something I struggled with. In my mind, if I was trying to do something and not succeeding, then I was failing—and I don’t like to fail! If I was failing, my immediate reaction is to assume there’s something I’m not doing right and try to fix it.
Anyone who has had a hard time getting pregnant has probably been through a time when “making a baby” starts to be more like work than play. It’s the means to an end, instead of an act of love. When you are tracking symptoms, taking temperatures, and watching the clock, making a baby becomes a science instead of an act of love. Friends counseled me to keep the magic alive and enjoy the process, but some days this was easier than others.
As more and more of our friends started to get pregnant, I couldn’t help but wonder when it would be our turn! I wanted to be happy for them as they started their journey of motherhood, but I couldn’t help but feel left out. During this time of waiting and uncertainty I went through stages of doubt and questioning God.
I knew if we were going to get through this, Adam and I had to be a team. We had to be open and honest with each other. That meant talking about our frustrations and fears and falling on our knees day after day asking our Father to answer our prayers.
After close to two years of trying to get pregnant, two things happened. I started to realize Adam and I couldn’t go through this process alone. I was losing hope and realized we needed others to walk along side us. Around the same time, our church started to have times of prayer at the end of every service. Asking someone to pray for me (us) wasn’t easy, but it was such a blessing! Week after week, Adam and I asked for prayer. It was so freeing to be open about our struggles and have our brothers and sisters in Christ come along side us and pray with us.
Looking back, I can see that it was pride that kept me from sharing our struggle sooner. It sounds silly, but I wanted to be able to surprise people with the news that we were pregnant and I couldn’t do that if we told them we were trying! (If you can’t tell, I’m a little stubborn and like to be in control!) It seems like a small thing, but it was a hurdle for me to get over to first tell people we were trying to get pregnant and then, more importantly, ask them to pray for us.
I was really good at praying for other people, asking them how they were doing, and caring for their needs, but when it came to my own struggles, it was easier for me to keep them to myself. I told myself that other people’s concerns were more important than my own. Now I realize how prideful I was. The church is a place for sick people. It is a place to be vulnerable and I was being a hypocrite! Here I was expecting people to be open and honest about their issues and concerns with me, but I wasn’t willing to be the same with them. I would rather put on a happy face and pretend like I had everything figured out. Asking for prayer would mean admitting that I needed help, and that wasn’t something I was good at.
There were times along the way when I was discouraged. I questioned God and why he would make us wait what felt like so long to have a baby. A friend had a word that was so encouraging for me during this time of waiting. She reminded me that God had given us the desire to have a family and he would honor that. I clung to that promise when everything in me doubted.
Eventually, Adam and I went to a fertility doctor to see if there were any physical reasons we weren’t able to get pregnant. This was another humbling experience. I firmly believe that if God wanted us to be pregnant he could have made it happen without us going to a doctor, but I also believe that he gave us doctors for a reason. We both had a variety of tests done to see if there was anything preventing us from conceiving. The first several tests came back fine, which was a blessing and a curse.
At that point I remember not knowing how to pray. On the one hand if we found out something was wrong, that would explain why we hadn’t been able to get pregnant, but on the other hand, there was a chance the doctor would find something that would mean we wouldn’t be able to get pregnant, and that would be devastating! Now I see it was another opportunity for us to trust God.
I clearly remember the last time we were prayed for before we found out we were pregnant. I didn’t even want to be prayed for that day, but God knew what we needed, and two different friends approached Adam and me after church and asked if they could pray for us. Of course we couldn’t say no. So once again, we humbly bowed our heads as our friends laid hands on us and earnestly asked for our prayers to be answered. In those moments, when I was at the end of my rope, God knew exactly what I needed. He is so good! When we couldn’t pray anymore, that is when our friends walked beside us and continued to petition on our behalf.
(photos: Carrie Krupke Photography)
When we finally got pregnant, it was so sweet to be able to tell our friends and family that we were having a baby after they had been praying for us! By inviting them to walk with us through our journey they were able to rejoice with us when our prayers were answered!
Today it is amazing to hold my darling baby boy and remember all the prayers that brought him here. God is so good! I echo Hannah’s prayer in I Samuel 1:27: “I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” This reminder is especially sweet when I’m longing for a nap or a stretch of sleep longer than 2 hours!
(photos: Carrie Krupke Photography)
As I look back on our journey, I see how God used it to humble my heart and deepen my faith. It is so hard to be stuck in the waiting, not knowing how or when your prayer will be answered. There will still be times when I struggle with God’s timing, but I know God is faithful. He will sustain me when I can’t take another step or pray another prayer. And when I make it to the other side and look back and see how God was with me through the hard times, it’s beautiful. My prayer is for God to use my experience to comfort and encourage other women going through a similar situation. I’d love to hear your stories!
Andrea blogs about marriage, decorating, and life at EverAfterBlueprint.com.
Read about how she fell in love with her high school prom date, her favorite things about living in an old house, and why she loves decorating her mantel.
Megan, thank you so much for letting me share our story! Your blog is an encouragement and inspiration
ReplyDeleteWow, what a beautiful testimony of God's faithfulness! Thank you so much for sharing your story, Andrea! And congrats on your beautiful baby boy!
ReplyDelete~Abby =)